


Dudes Don't Call Other Dudes About Their Boners

by tyanite



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Boners, Castiel in the Bunker, Crack, Dean Cooks, Domestic, Gen, Human Castiel, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, No Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2177763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyanite/pseuds/tyanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were many things Castiel was not prepared for dealing with while human, like eating, sleeping, bathing, and the occasional awkward boner that refuses to go away. Luckily for him, Castiel has Dean to consult about these things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dudes Don't Call Other Dudes About Their Boners

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, another impulse post that is not even beta-read. I will do better soon I promise.
> 
> Early Season 9 AU where Castiel didn't get kicked out of the Bunker and was still communicating with Dean I guess.
> 
> Its short, there is no sex, just awkward boners. Alas!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Kudos or Comments or whatever welcome!

Deans phone was ringing on the table while he was blasting Zeppelin in the kitchen, baking bread. He nearly missed it, but at the last minute looked up from the mixer and noticed the buzzing cellphone and lit up screen.

“What's up Cas?” Dean said, picking it up as soon as he read the three letter name on the screen and flipped off his music.

“Dean,” Cas’ words came out pained and rushed. “I need your help.”

This got his attention quickly. “What is it? Other angels?” He asked, reaching for a towel. Cas had gone out, but when? Dean was mentally calculating how far he could have gotten…surely not too far?

“No, not exactly.” Cas said, his voice still strained. This gave Dean pause.

“What is it then?” He asked when Cas did not elaborate.

“I appear to have an erection.”

Dean fell completely silent.

“Dean?” Cas asked after a long pause.

“Dude.” Dean started. “Okay maybe you missed this but dudes don’t call other dudes about their hard-ons, just like—“  

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes and talk about it.” Cas filled in.  

“Exactly.”

“But its really uncomfortable Dean.”

“Dude, just get rid of it.”

Cas sucked in an exasperated breath. “I can’t. I tried and its not working.”

Dean practically growled. “What the hell do you want me to do about it?”

“Help me.” Cas begged and his voice was so pained that Dean almost felt a pang of guilt. Almost.

Dean rubbed his eyes frustrated, willing himself to be patient. Its easy to forget that despite appearing like a fully grown man, Castiel is really like a small child when it came to humanity. He barely understood that humans need to sleep and eat and drink in order to live, so Dean could hardly blame him for not understanding how boners worked.

“Look just…jerk off or something somewhere.” Dean said and then quickly added, “Somewhere _private_. You’re creepy enough just standing there as you are normally.”

“Okay.” There was a long pause and Dean thought for a moment Cas had hung up and he was about ready to get back to the bread when Cas spoke again. “What now?”

“What do you mean what now?” Dean frowned. “Just…jerk off!”  

“ _How_?” Cas sounded in genuine distress.

Dean opened his mouth, but then something dawned on him. “You don’t know how to…”

“No I don’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be asking you how to do this.”

“Uh…Okay…” Dean said, trying his best to collect himself, silently cursing his luck. He shouldn’t have to explain this shit to Cas. Sure, he had given Ben the Talk when he was old enough, but that was just the run of the mill _don’t-have-unprotected-sex_ sort of nonsense, this was something else entirely. Dean was quickly developing an overwhelmingly powerful grudge against God. Dude couldn’t even be bothered to give his kids the Talk? That was low. Even John Winchester hadn’t been _that_ bad. “You just…uh…wrap your hand around it and pump.”

“Around what?”

“Your dick, idiot!”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Then what?”

“Ugh.” Dean felt a headache that was most definitely not there before pressing against his temples. “You keep doing that until its over.”

“How will I know when its over?”

“When you orgasm!” Dean said. He heard Cas suck in a breath and he knew what the question was before the ex-angel had a chance to speak. “You know when you orgasm because you’ll come. Creamy goo’ll come out okay? That's it! Then you clean up and we never, ever, ever talk about this again, got it?”

“I know what semen is…” Cas muttered, disheartened.

“Never call me about this crap again.” Dean said, hanging up before Cas could get another word in. He slammed his phone down on the counter and seethed.

“Oookay then.” Sam said, standing awkwardly in the doorway, a empty cup in his hand. “Do I want to know?”

“No.” Dean growled and then went back to punch the bread dough a few times and forget that conversation had ever happened.


End file.
